She tried in vain to talk me out of my madness, my schemes. Beautiful Geneva who had always deserved a better man than I. She knew of my sorrow and wept for my dying spirit which day by day diminished in her eyes. If only she could have known the truth therein. My spirit only existed for her alone and no other single reason.
What she took for slowly dying in me was the small fragments of humanity harbored deep within my chest. never have I been a merciful man. No pious heart took hold in my upbringing and while not evil or callous I have been known as a distant, uncaring man to most.
But not to her. never to her.
From the moment we met at the gypsy camp outside of our neighboring village of Faulenfürst I knew caring and humanity. Never did we part ways since that day and night. Wedded we were the following Autumn and many were the blessing put at our feet that night.
My poor Geneva who deserved so much more than my madness. She did not fear my size or temper and never did her crooked, knowing smile fail to bring me back to my sense. The rumors that never cease in small townships did make their way to her eventually and no gentle home did they find in her ears. The whispers made behind my back of my family's violent past and fell lunacy had no effect on Geneva, other than to make her scoff and chide the old hens for foolery and gossip.
Every full turn of the Moon became a secret, loving joke between us and never did I allow her to see the rage inside me boil over or take control of me. Only after that year wherein these soldiers arrived, these demons bearing weapons of war and engineers to build railways for their machines did she come to know that part of me. That vile, lunatic curse passed onto me by my sad-eyed father who's giant gentle hands were always gripping his rosary tightly. Still she contented herself beside me, laughing off my pleas for her to move away deeper into the woods with her family.
Beg so, she did for me to turn away from this plan. It was never her own safety she feared for but mine. "Victor if you play this part, if you summon the Hollow King's memory to scare away these men it will change you. Please do not do this. My family, we know more of this Great and Hoary Hunter than most even here. If it comes it will not be content with these men no matter the fight they put forth. It will consume us all. His mark will be upon you Victor and He will be attracted more so to you than anyone else."
Of all my many sorrows and regrets that night of turning aside her advice is the greatest. I opened the door and walked into the night away from her. Walked into the deep Black Forrest with Hatred in my heart and Mask in my hand. I knew the old ways well and hunted now for the forbidden place. Forsaken by man for these many years since.
My Geneva. I am so sorry I failed you.
You did what you thought to be right in order to protect you kin, Victor. The fact of the matter is plenty would of have done the same. I am sure others have done so on various levels. It may not have been the results you wanted, but you acted in favor of protecting those within your heart. You fought for them when threatened. Compassion within, you strived to keep safe your family. You tried. You sacrificed much to try and protect them.
ReplyDeleteI was planning to wait until the next entry to comment, but after a certain mutual friend I decided otherwise. I was waiting to see where your admissions would lead.
Victor, you did not fail her. Failing her is if you did nothing to protect her. While this means was quite the leap, it was something. It's human nature to go to whatever lengths to protect their loved ones.
it fed upon my nature. it nursed my hatred and fanned the flames of my curse.
ReplyDeletei failed her and i failed my family when they needed me most. i am less than the sum of whole.
my rage. and my hatred.
i am hunger that knows no end. there is a hole within my heart and it will be never be fulfilled.
i will kill and i will consume all that which oppose It.
there will be No Peace. No surrender.
i cannot stop her i cannot hurt her. i will protect her.
please. stop.
run, and save yourself. there is nothing left here to save. i am consumed.
I, nor any of us wanting to help you would ever wish for you to harm her. Especially since you care for her so much. Resisting her is at most the only thing I could ever ask of you, if you put some form of trust in us we could help you with the rest. You tried to protect them from one thing and ended up realizing the weapon you were trying to use was not one you could control. But you are human, back then and even now. Mistakes were made. You had no way of knowing these would be the results.
ReplyDeleteYou claim there is nothing left to save yet here I see a man confessing his origins, his pain, his anger. I see the humanity trying to free itself. You want me to run now that you're finally peeking through the darkness? I will not. How would I be any better if I just abandoned you? There is nothing left to save of myself at this point, the only thing I can do is not fall any further down the hole. Even if what has consumed you threatens to drag me down further I'm not letting go. You're worth saving, see that. Realize your worth, despite your mistakes.
Your hole cannot be filled, I won't pretend it can. But it will shrink, get easier to maintain. It's a long process, I know from experience. It's not easy, but when has life ever been? You want to protect her? Is the thing that controls you now the same her you once loved, or does it just wear her face, Victor? What are you really protecting here? I would think you would want to do everything you could to correct that failure you consider yourself to have made. That fighting back and seeking vengence for what He did to you would be your path of atonement. Not playing dead for the thing that filled you with such negativity and turned you into this. You're not making it up to her, you're just serving what pretends to be her because of guilt. And it knows it.
I'm sorry. For your past, for now, if I cause you any pain in trying to help you. But it's not going to stop. You're going to need to confront it eventually.